No Respect

Just when I thought I had it together and on my shit, I’m hit with a reality check. Don’t get me wrong, I welcome these reality checks especially if it’s going to help me become a better person. This reality check made me feel kind of low and bum-like. It’s just downright a degrading feeling.

My reality check that was an ugly truth is that I’ve been disrespecting myself. WHAT? When it hit me, I didn’t feel right acknowledging it because I couldn’t see myself doing that to myself. Disrespect to me is like saying, you’re  nobody. How could I do that to ME?

Usually when I’m hit with a reality check, I fall back to assess the “Shituation” after I go through the motions. Sometimes I spend too much time focused on what others are doing instead of worrying about what I am doing. There’s some things that I believe in like “don’t blame others for your issues or problems” and “don’t expect anything from anybody”.   At the end of the day, that’s how I feel but during the day, I sometimes lose focus.

When I like someone, as a person, I will not do anything to disrespect them intentionally. Of course I may do something they don’t like but I’d have to be provoked to carelessly start disrespecting. I can’t speak for others and how they may carry themselves. If someone disrespects me that’s one thing but if someone disrespects me more than once after it was brought to the light that I don’t like to be treated that way, that’s something else. To me, not only is that person disrespecting me but if I continue to allow this, I’m disrespecting myself.

I can’t function right knowing and allowing myself to disrespect myself. This problem has been addressed, as you can see and will be dealt with. As far as the person(s) doing the disrespect, who am I kidding thinking I can change someone. Maybe one day they will be able to look in the mirror as I did and realize something is not right. I’ve been saying “the truth hurts worse when you’re living a lie”. It sure does and the longer you live that lie, the more denial and/or pain you will feel. I don't feel it’s a karma thing at all. It’s just something that I’ve had to deal with in my past so I know what it can be like to lie to oneself.