When I get to talking
about relationships, I sound bitter all the time. Of course I’ve been in sour
relationships and felt some pain from how things were going or went. At the
time it was some straight grade A B.S. but today, I see it more as experience.
Usually I spend more time talking about what I see other people doing but
there’s another side to my Anti-Relationshipism that I’m very aware of. That
other side is ME. My shit stinks too I feel like if I can’t be real with myself,
how am I going to real with others?
When I was a kid,
there were days that I’d get so bored that it felt like there was nothing I
could do that would make me happy. Today, I get what I call “bored out”, it’s
the same feeling that I felt when I was a kid. Basically, I got bored and just
get the feeling that I don’t want to do anything or be around anybody. When I
get that way, people don’t try to understand where I’m coming from. It’s like
Monica’s song , “Don’t Take it Personal” but some do. They take it as I’m on some
b.s. or hiding something and they get all emotional on me when it’s not even
like that. Which leads me to another issue..
The issue of dealing
with females’ emotions. I don’t feel like I have to feel the same way about
things as she does. I can get defensive than a mug and come up with some reasons
of my own for not doing something or doing something. I like to put things in “Elementary
School” terms sometimes. Say simple stuff like, it’s apples and oranges.
Everybody don’t like both or either. Some people like apples and not oranges,
some people like oranges and not apples. We don’t seem to have a problem with
that so why can’t it be ok that I don’t feel the same as you? Two people don’t
have to feel the same way for each other for it to work. I’m not saying that
one person who is in love and the other only sees you as a classmate that it
will work but who knows? Over time, things seem to happen, like change, that’s
life. It happens all around use, all the time, every day. That person who used
to eat apples all the time might give them up and start eating oranges. That’s
logic to me.
I mean, my logic
seems to be a problem and maybe it is. The whole apples and oranges with
relationships might be silly to some but I can’t seem to see it as silly. I
spent a lot of time saying that people want what they want and if they don’t
get it, they leave. It’s true and I’m the same way, except I’m not so quick to
leave. Here again, my logic comes into play and I’ve been told, that’s not how
it works. Let’s say if I were wanting a relationship but this person doesn’t
want that. She only wants to be friends. We have good conversations, a good
time when we’re around each, just overall we click. I let her know how I felt
about her and she backs away but not out of my life. Things aren’t the same but
she’s still a good person to me. I wouldn’t cut her off. A “good person” is
hard to come by. I can’t see myself cutting her off unless she is dating
everybody else and ends up in a relationship with someone else while I have those
strong feelings. That’s just me.
I like my space. I
like to come and go as I please. I mean, I left the nest and work(ed) many
hours to earn that. I don’t like to be restrained. I like doing what I want to
do. I’ve always been that way. Even when I was kid, I hated when I couldn’t do
something because my Mom said I couldn’t or I was too young or whatever reason.
Now that I’m older and working to have my own, why would I want someone coming
in trying to change that? I’m not
willing to change that. It’s selfish and I know. I usually leave it at that to
see if a person is paying attention and where they head is. I’ll explain
another time.
I don’t express my
emotions like some might or how some might feel I’m supposed to. I’m not into
all the mushy stuff. I like to see it more than I want to hear it.
Last but not least, I
have serious trust issues. It’s not really hard to tell. I believe in “actions
speak louder than words”. That’s a pretty deep line and you have to have a good
understanding of it before you try to use it, anywho. When a person tells me
they are going to do something, especially when it has something to do with me
and they don’t do it, it messes with my trust issues. Not only that but it’s a
pet peeve on mine too. It makes it hard to count on a person when they don’t do
what they say. I don’t want to put my heart, let alone, my life in that person
hands.
Until next time,
“think about it
before you react to it”
…to be continued…
yup
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