Been feeling pretty good lately. It’s the “holidays” once
again. just a few years ago or so, I was
like Christmas doesn’t matter, the holidays suck, they aren’t the same as they
used to be, I liked them when I was kid, I ain’t buying nobody shit. I keep my
memories in mind all the time but that can sometimes be a problem.
A Memorable Moment is usually a good thing for me BUT it’s also
memory that has passed and probably will never happen again. At least it won’t
happen the way it did exactly. Took me a minute to get that.
Each year for Christmas, I reminisce on the days when I was
a kid and how good it felt during the holidays. I still have that kid in me
today. A couple of years ago, a few days before Christmas, something came over
me. I decided to buy my first Christmas tree. It put me in the Christmas spirit
and hadn’t felt that feeling in a long long time. I wrapped my own gifts to
myself just to get the full feeling of having present under the tree. It was a
success.
Last Christmas, did the same but had more gifts for others
than myself. I even got to play Santa’s helper and watch some kids open presents
Christmas morning. Just seeing them smile made me feel good. It was a success.
Since the past is gone and I can’t “relive it”, why not make
new memories that will one day be memorable moments? This year, it’s not even
really about Christmas Day or New Years. I haven’t even really thought about
the actually days or what I’m doing do on them. It’s more about the feeling of
Christmas. That’s the kid in me doing what he does and it feels good. I learned
a long time ago that if I wanted something, I had to get it myself so I don’t
expect anything for Christmas. Getting presents was a big part of why I liked
Christmas so much as a kid. Me giving somebody a present then seeing or hearing
their reaction feels good enough for me. I’ll take that. The actually Christmas
day hasn’t even came and I’ve already got that from someone. Anything else that
happens will be more to add to the memories. It was a success.
Usually I wrap stuff for myself but didn’t this year. I
didn’t plan to exchange gifts with anyone this year so I put numbers on some of
the presents and put some numbers in a jar. If I have any company, they can
just grab a number out the jar and I’ll give them that gift with that number.
That way I’m good, you good, we good.
If something or a time of the year in your past made you
feel good, it’s possible that something in your present can make you feel good.
Just feel around for it. It’s usually inside you somewhere.
Same goes for something or a time of the year that makes you
feel bad from your past, it’s possible to change that. Try it.
Why do people say how thankful they are when things are
going good or when things are extremely bad for others?
Let me see where I could start,
I’m thankful for all the things I don’t have and couldn’t
get growing up and don’t have right now.
I’m thankful for that time the lady didn’t catch me on the
slide when I was daycare.
I’m thankful for being laid off at the job I thought was my
worse and favorite job. All the negative shit that happened there like the
backstabbing, being under paid and over worked.
I’m thankful for the times I felt hurt by someone. The
people that walked out my life with no explanation. The ones that kicked me
while I was down or talked down to me or my name because I didn’t fit their
standards. Oh I can’t leave out the haters and people that painted a negative
picture of me and others believed it.
I’m thankful for those days that I sit around bored out.
I’m thankful for all the bullshit that I experienced in my
life and will experience.
My point is, you can’t appreciate the good without experiencing
the bad therefore you should appreciate the bad things also. Just think, your
life could be shitty right now but there are much worse things that could be
happening to you or to the people you care for. Instead of boo’hoo’n, why not
try to find some positive, even if it’s the fact that you are able to even try to
think positive. You could be a vegetable.
“The Game of Life is
going to do what it do so when it deals you a hand, play the shit out of it
with no regrets. You’ll lose some and you’ll win some. As long as you try, you
can’t lose. Practices makes perfect” ~ Koolaid “Da BlacGhost”
My birthday is coming
up soon I don’t feel anything? I feel like Black Friday is my big day anymnore
so that’s on my mind more than my birthday.
These are wise words.
All the birthdays that I remember that weren’t good were only bad because I
expected someone, anybody, to make that day special for me. Man, funk dat, not
anymore. It was a lesson learned and I adapted. Now, if someone does anything for
me, I can appreciate it a lot more because it’s not expected anymore. If no one
did anything, I’d be good, I plan to cool out and block out any negative energy.
ON MY FAKEBOOK
WALL
It’s been brought to
my attention that there are some fat girls on my wall. That I liked a bunch fat
girls’ pictures. Ummm so? Them big ol’ fat girls were sexy than a mug.
Sheeeiit, I came across some of them and was like Dammmnnn!!!
She ain’t even that
big but damn she’s super model sexy. What you thought you were going to see me
like on MY Fakebook wall? “I do it BIG
and never plan to downsize”
Sarcasm = Smoke
& Mirrors
I said a week or so
ago that I wasn’t going to do much complaining online. Made a simple complaint
on Fakebook about people being, well fake. I guess it’s not really a complaint,
it’s just something I noticed. I don’t plan to post anything like that so I
guess it’s good that someone does. I will say, address your issues, accept them
and get to mixing up that lemonade. If you really want it to taste good, add
one part liquor to mix and hmmm, things will start looking different. You might
even post something real.
When I get to talking
about relationships, I sound bitter all the time. Of course I’ve been in sour
relationships and felt some pain from how things were going or went. At the
time it was some straight grade A B.S. but today, I see it more as experience.
Usually I spend more time talking about what I see other people doing but
there’s another side to my Anti-Relationshipism that I’m very aware of. That
other side is ME. My shit stinks too I feel like if I can’t be real with myself,
how am I going to real with others?
When I was a kid,
there were days that I’d get so bored that it felt like there was nothing I
could do that would make me happy. Today, I get what I call “bored out”, it’s
the same feeling that I felt when I was a kid. Basically, I got bored and just
get the feeling that I don’t want to do anything or be around anybody. When I
get that way, people don’t try to understand where I’m coming from. It’s like
Monica’s song , “Don’t Take it Personal” but some do. They take it as I’m on some
b.s. or hiding something and they get all emotional on me when it’s not even
like that. Which leads me to another issue..
The issue of dealing
with females’ emotions. I don’t feel like I have to feel the same way about
things as she does. I can get defensive than a mug and come up with some reasons
of my own for not doing something or doing something. I like to put things in “Elementary
School” terms sometimes. Say simple stuff like, it’s apples and oranges.
Everybody don’t like both or either. Some people like apples and not oranges,
some people like oranges and not apples. We don’t seem to have a problem with
that so why can’t it be ok that I don’t feel the same as you? Two people don’t
have to feel the same way for each other for it to work. I’m not saying that
one person who is in love and the other only sees you as a classmate that it
will work but who knows? Over time, things seem to happen, like change, that’s
life. It happens all around use, all the time, every day. That person who used
to eat apples all the time might give them up and start eating oranges. That’s
logic to me.
I mean, my logic
seems to be a problem and maybe it is. The whole apples and oranges with
relationships might be silly to some but I can’t seem to see it as silly. I
spent a lot of time saying that people want what they want and if they don’t
get it, they leave. It’s true and I’m the same way, except I’m not so quick to
leave. Here again, my logic comes into play and I’ve been told, that’s not how
it works. Let’s say if I were wanting a relationship but this person doesn’t
want that. She only wants to be friends. We have good conversations, a good
time when we’re around each, just overall we click. I let her know how I felt
about her and she backs away but not out of my life. Things aren’t the same but
she’s still a good person to me. I wouldn’t cut her off. A “good person” is
hard to come by. I can’t see myself cutting her off unless she is dating
everybody else and ends up in a relationship with someone else while I have those
strong feelings. That’s just me.
I like my space. I
like to come and go as I please. I mean, I left the nest and work(ed) many
hours to earn that. I don’t like to be restrained. I like doing what I want to
do. I’ve always been that way. Even when I was kid, I hated when I couldn’t do
something because my Mom said I couldn’t or I was too young or whatever reason.
Now that I’m older and working to have my own, why would I want someone coming
in trying to change that? I’m not
willing to change that. It’s selfish and I know. I usually leave it at that to
see if a person is paying attention and where they head is. I’ll explain
another time.
I don’t express my
emotions like some might or how some might feel I’m supposed to. I’m not into
all the mushy stuff. I like to see it more than I want to hear it.
Last but not least, I
have serious trust issues. It’s not really hard to tell. I believe in “actions
speak louder than words”. That’s a pretty deep line and you have to have a good
understanding of it before you try to use it, anywho. When a person tells me
they are going to do something, especially when it has something to do with me
and they don’t do it, it messes with my trust issues. Not only that but it’s a
pet peeve on mine too. It makes it hard to count on a person when they don’t do
what they say. I don’t want to put my heart, let alone, my life in that person
hands.
This
has been a long time coming. Still sitting on my ledge watching the game and
the players in it. All I can do is shake my damn head at what I’ve been seeing.
I’m still not impressed with the whole “RELATIONSHIP” thing I hear so much
about. Honestly, I’m so damn confused with all the stuff I’ve saw, heard and
thought a relationship was supposed to be about that I just don’t want to have
anything to do with one right now.
Before
I even get into this, if the shoe fits wear it. If it doesn’t and you get upset
about this, then you probably need a bigger size shoe or a better prescription
for your mental glasses.
*deep
breath*
I
can’t remember when I wrote about the Current State of Relationships but it’s
still MUTHA fucked up to the max. I mean, it’s just plain flat out right coo
coo for cocoa puffs. Mugs are too damn selfish for one, too greedy, too proud,
too uneducated, too unrealistic, too nuts, too much baggage, just too fucked up
in the head to stop and think about it for a minute.
Seriously,
don’t you want stability in a relationship? Ain’t stability something like
knowing where you stand? Something like job security? Well, the rules in a
relationship aren’t in stone or something that was written and documented in
some book back in B.C. times. Just because your Grandparents were married for
60 years don’t mean you will be. It also doesn’t mean that’s how “long” a
relationship will last. Were you there for those 60 years that your
Grandparents were married? I mean, were you like a fly on the wall and saw what
really was going on in their marriage? Probably not, that’s where the
uneducated and unrealistic part comes in. NEVER judge a book be its cover. This
is 2011(2012), we don’t live one lane lives like they did back then. They did
what they were told, we do what we want.
Back
to stability, I got a good one for you ladies and gentleman that like stability
so much. From what I’ve experienced, haha, this is the part where mugs will
start to get upset with me. (if they even read this) Stability is like a
constant. Like when someone tells you “where you stand”. That label gives you
that stability you want. Answer this, how can you want stability but yet be
unstable within yourself? Example, friends with benefits, someone tells you
they are content with being your friend with benefits. To me that sounds like
everything is cool but weeks later, usually in a month or so, they all of
sudden flip the script. Now they aren’t content anymore. NOW that stability is
gone. They want more and start giving ultimatums or acting funny as hell. Where’s
that stability that you want so bad yet can’t give? Greed, selfishness and
ungrateful plays a big role in this situation. Why does a label make someone feel so
stable when there aren’t any rules in stone?
Boy
I tell ya.
I’m
not even done yet.We are all selfish
but there are different levels to it. You want what you want and that’s what
you look for in people to determine if you want more or if you even want to
keep dealing with someone. Ain’t that how it works? As soon as someone stops
giving you what you want, you dip. I’ve saw it so many times. I’ve even been
belittled. Called gay, lame, “what a flake“, etc. What the hell does “flake”
mean anyway. Who wants to be with someone that always wants to have it their
way or nothing? As soon as you stop giving, they leave?
If
you can’t handle being friends with someone, it’s not possible to handle being
in a relationship with that person either. That’s kind of general but that’s
how I see it. I believe in friends first and if you don’t have that friendship
going into a relationship, what will you have?? Probably a damn mess sooner or
later.
What’s
up with all these people not having shit but wanting someone that has something
going for themselves? They are trying to get someone to take care of them so
they can sit on their stanking ass. If I wanted to take care of someone, I’d
have kids. Not a lazy ass adult.
For
those that misunderstand me and for some reason, get my words all twisted up. I’m
not against relationships, I’m just not feeling the people out here fucking the
game up when it comes to relationships. I believe that relationships can work. I
just don’t believe that the stuff I’ve mentioned that I’ve saw others doing
will make a relationship work. I don’t want to be accepted because you don’t
have anything or anyone else. I don’t want your company cause you’re lonely. I
want people around me that WANT to be around me because they like who I am and
like being around me. I’m patient when it comes to this relationship shit. I
know that when you first start hanging around someone, it’s usually exciting
and that I should wait to see where it should go because I don’t have enough to
go off of. I also know that our past relationships say a lot about us as an
individual now. Example, a chick tells you that her past relationships were
abusive and she was cheated on many times but stayed in the relationship until
they either couldn’t stand it or he left. That’s not a good sign. Just because
you left that bad situation that you put up with for years doesn’t mean your
head is in the right place now. Step ya game up.
Stop
putting yourselves in situations that you know you can’t handle like fucking
someone without confirming they are interested in you for a relationship.
Situations like catching feelings for someone that is already in a
relationship. Stop pressuring people to do what you want them to do, that shit’s
a turn off. Stop telling me how you feel about me then cutting me off like it’s
nothing. Leave me the hell alone about the whole relationship shit. When it’s
my time to get in one, I will if that‘s what I feel like doing. For your info,
I haven’t passed up shit and/or missed shit. I could care less about ex
relationships and people that have left my life. If I am “supposed to be” with
someone that ain’t here, it WILL HAPPEN when it’s time. Not because I want it
or because you say so. You can’t force a square piece into an oval slot, we
learned that in pre-school.
